Dear Cristina,

The other day I was really bored in Phonology and to relieve my boredom I started mathematically analyzing all the guys I've dated or been with. I made a big chart in chronological order with three categories: Looks, Personality/Charisma, Bedroom Skillz. I awarded a maximum of 10 points in each category and then tallied up the results to see who was closest to 30 points (thereby being the optimal boyfriend). xxxxx got 27 points, (I obviously didn't include flakiness in the personality breakdown). as did xxxxx, my friend who had the girlfriend when we slept together. They were tied for first, and they are both disasters. Third place was awarded to xxxxxx xxxxx, with 26 points. I may have been too generous awarding him 7 points in the Looks category. I'm guessing you would give him like, a 3/10. Amirite?
I realized my breakdown might not have been the best way to determine the optimal boyfriend, and decided that if I did it again, I would have to break down the personality section into several different categories like Brains, Humor, Street Smarts, Arts&Leisure Knowledge, and Kindness. But I don't know if I want to go through the trouble.

Love,
Sandra

Dear Sis,

I like your boyfriend breakdown, but why is it that people who score the highest always end up fucking us over the most? Like, is it because they're too good for us? Sometimes I feel that way. But then I'm like, no, fuck it, they have Hollywood personalities and huge egos and it's not about you, it's about them. That is where the breakdown is. Dude might be a bit boring and not as charming and spontaneous, but at least he gives a fuck and will fucking give a care and be excited to watch (TV Show) with you and buy you the special kind of chocolate that you like and does not disappear up his own ass and never call you again.

I am curious to know how xxxx xxxxxx scored on the boyfriend breakdown. Also, I thought xxxxx was an ok looking dude. I would not give him a 3. Maybe a 5.

Love,
Cristina